tuesday's true confession: my similarity to Lady Gaga

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face!  P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face!  
Today I'm confessing that I'm a pretty private person.  This shows up in my life in three ways:

1)  I tend to keep everything from my feelings to my deepest thoughts to myself unless I know someone REALLY well.  I've got this crazy-good poker face. (Hence, the reference to Lady Gaga.  Actually, this is probably the extent of my similarity to her.  And I'm pretty sure based on the rest of the lyrics of that song that we aren't using our poker faces for the same purpose.)  People can tell me THE MOST SHOCKING NEWS EVER right to my face, and I can pretty much act like I've heard it ten times before . . . and in my line of work, I've heard some pretty shocking things.  People only know what I'm feeling or thinking if I want them to know what I'm feeling and thinking. 

2)  I'm an expert at using the word "interesting" to mean everything from,

• "That could be the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
• "I need to think about that for a little while before I have an opinion."
• "I'm genuinely interested in that.  Tell me more." 

(If you are someone who has actual face-to-face conversations with me, let's just assume I'm always using "interesting" in reference to that last reason when I'm talking with you.)

3)  I try to get to know other people, but I rarely let other people get to know me really well.

 

I'm not sure why I'm like this.  I'm not sure if I've always been like this?  I'm not sure if I'll ever stop being like this.  I've used some of these tuesday's true confessions to be a little less private . . . at least with people in blogland, some of who I also know in "real" life (whatever that is).  

I'm confessing this today because it was a tough day and an incredible day all in one, and I thought I'd take another step in self-disclosure.  

After more than a year of doctor's visits and mystery symptoms, my oldest was diagnosed with kidney and bladder malformations at the age of 3 when she had her first surgery.  I've spent the last two years scheduling her bathroom habits, fluid intake, medications, renal function tests, etc.  Today was the second surgery . . . a surgery that we were told she would have to have every two years until about the age of 16 or so.  Ugh!

I've had my very best poker face on the past two years in response to this in spite of what I feel inside.  I had my very best poker face on last night as I was explaining to her what would be happening again today.  I had my very best poker face on as I held her in the surgical room while they were putting her to sleep.  (It's sooooo cool that they let a parent go into the surgery room now until the child is asleep.  That wasn't the case two years ago, and it was wonderful to be with her.)  I had my very best poker face on as the surgeon called us back to the consultation room to tell us how the surgery went.  

And as I listened to her report, my poker face was replaced by the largest, brightest, most amazing smile I've had in a long time.  In two short years, something rare happened . . . something she doesn't see happen very often, she's healed . . . for the most part . . . we think.  We're going to be cautiously optimistic over the next few weeks as we start to take her off her medication.  But for the time being, no more renal function tests, ultrasounds and surgeries.  

So for today . . . good bye poker face and hello super happy face!  I'm letting the whole world know that I'm happy.

How about you?  Do you have a great poker face or a face that every feeling and thought is written on?  Are you someone who guards your heart or who wears your heart on your sleeve?

Confess on!

**I'm not doing the linky because it takes so much time to set up.  I don't have that kind of time today, but I would love to hear what you have to say in the comments or you can post a link in your comment to your blog if you have your own confession post you want to share.